Spingallery

"I should not have bought that twelve pack of condoms" or the rantings of a female

2006-11-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

So i have made a new friend. A male friend. He actually is an old friend that I have reconciled with as of late because he got a divorce and has moved to Houston. I like hanging out with this new, old friend. He makes me laugh, and is nice and we have fun together. I don't get the romantic vibe from him which is fine with me because we all need friends of the opposite sex to hang out with.

We have been hanging out pretty steadily for about a month now going out at least once a week and doing dinner or something like that. Everything was going well. This weekend, however, nothing. I emailed him earlier in the week and didn't hear anything, I called him on friday and he did not call me back. I texted him today (something funny) and no response.

This is very hard for me. There is no reason for him not to be talking to me, I don't think. There is nothing that I said or did to offend him....I don't think....but still nothing, and no explanation. What is this all about?

The divorce has been hard for him and I am thinking that he just needed some time alone this weekend and that is why he didn't call me. But at the same time, I was hoping that I was becoming that friend that he could lean on a bit, you know? Maybe he doesn't want to lean on me too much because he thinks that I will get annoyed with him...Maybe I am just thinking too much. But I can't help it. It is what I do, I analyze things.

On the one hand I am worried about him. I want to make sure that he is okay and that he is not sitting in a bathtub drinking beers until the ratio between urine and water are equal. But on the other hand, my more selfish hand, I want him to call me and just let me know that I have nothing to do with why he hasn't called me back, or even if I have something to do with it, I can figure out what to do...I NEED THAT CONTROL.

I have a friend who has a hard time keeping in contact. I will call her and she will not call me back, I will email her, text her, and she will continue to be MIA. I have learned not to take it personally, because I know it has nothing to do with me, but I have been friends with her since high school, and I just learned this recently. And to be honest, sometimes it is not easy.

Also, after one of the long times we went without speaking I asked her what she wants me to do when she gets like this (it is part of her depression). She said "Keep calling". So I do.

I believe that my new friend is not in a good place right now, that he may even be depressed (and believe me, I know how it feels) but I guess the question is, do I keep calling?

The Case of the watermelon

2006-10-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

About 3 weeks ago I walked outside by my apartment and in some shrubry I found a watermelon. This was an ordinary seedless watermelon, brand new, cut in half. It had appeared to have been cut and then just left there. Many questions went through my mind as I passed this watermelon. Who would cut a large watermelon and just leave it behind? Who would place it in the plants? Why were they cutting it outside? Wow, now I want a watermelon.

Everyday when I would walk my dog, I would pass this watermelon and watch it. I felt like I was doing a science experiment. I would examine it every day, make mental notes of how it has changed from day to day (ants one day, mold the next etc). It has been 3 weeks and it is still there, almost completely decayed, but still there. Why has it not been cleaned up? Do you think the maintenence people are doing the same experiment?

I was planning this entry in my head while walking Toby the other day and I looked to my right in the grass,and I am not kidding you, I saw a pineapple, just lying there. WHAT IS GOING ON??!!!

My new favorite blog

2006-10-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this. I may be the only one in the computer world left who hasn't heard of this blog. That is my secret.

Also, this is really fun!!!

Obsessed

2006-10-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have an obsessive personality. Here is a list of the things I obsessed over today.

A guy
An email
A thing someone said about me
Someone saying I obsess too much
The same guy
This post
My therapy
Halloween

Commercial

2006-09-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

I pride myself on being a commercial hater. In fact, I own the best invention known to man. TIVO. I have had it since it came out and I believe that anyone that does not own one does not know what they are missing. To be honest, if you have a DVR and not a Tivo, it may be cheaper, but you are being slighted. Tivo just does so much more. SO MUCH MORE.

But what I really wanted to talk about today was not how wonderful Tivo was, but just how wonderful the new commercials for the apple computers are with
Warren Cheswickfrom "Ed" are. Never has there been a commercial that I have actually stopped my Tivo and rewinded it to watch these commercials. They are pretty wonderful. Not only because they are funny as hell, but also because they are a great marketing tool. So much so that I really want a Mac now and I have a perfectly good computer. But the Macs do such cool stuff. If I just had the money I would totally buy one.

All In My Head

2006-08-07T06:14:00.002-07:00

A winding road. A steel cage. Barbed Wire. A tower. The gate slowly opens and we drive through. A guard gets on the bus. He points and talks, I am not listening to what he is saying. I am in awe. We enter security. A dog is staring at us as we pass through. I never expected to visit a place like this in my lifetime.

We meet, we shake hands, we get aquainted. We make small talk. We censor ourselves. I censor myself. Do I discuss the outside world? Do they want to hear it? Dare I ask where they are from? Do they want to talk about it? They are friendly. I am aware of everything. A door locks behind me.

We play a game, like theatre students do to "break the ice". We laugh. They are funny. They are nice. I am relaxing. I am beginning to forget where I am.

We watch a video that they made. "The Big Question". We find out that the animation is done by Anto, the script is done by Sam, the video work is done by Julius. Willy talks about himself on the camera. He is honest and full of heart. These guys are talented. They won first prize at a competition for this great film. These guys are in for life.

We eat lunch. Mayonaise. Apple Pie. We chat with the Govenor (Wardon). He is a huge supporter of these men. Believes in them. I like him. The men don't really talk to him.

They have written a play. Adaptation of Macbeth. "Mickey-B". Set in a Prison. Guards against prisoners. The guard in the hat laughs. The men on stage smile. They are nervous. Sam wrote the script. Davey plays Mickey-B. Jimmy plays Duffy, he has just learned to read a year ago. He is great. They are all great. I feel pride. The play is very good. We help with it. We are comfortable. They add jokes throughout. We laugh.

In the distance a dog barks. Chains rattle. Locks turn. Radios chatter. The prisoners carry on. An alarm sounds. The dog continues to bark, the sound gets closer. More guards enter the room. The alarm stops and starts again. The prisoners carry on, but exchange subtle glances. The alarms stop. The dog stops.

I had almost forgotten where I was.

London and Dublin

2006-08-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time since I have written, but I have been extrememly busy studying in London and Dublin, so I hope I haven't lost you as my reader. For now, since I am still here, I am just going to list for you the Shows I have seen thus far. I have a little less than 2 weeks here and there will be more to come I promise. But I thought this might be interesting. The more stars the better I thought it was.

Billy Elliot ***
Romeo and Juliet (it was horrible)
Titus Andronicus ***** (at the GLOBE!)
Anthony and Cleoptra (saw a midnight performance at the Globe)
Woman and Scarecrow (with Fiona Shaw)*
Fuerzabruta ****** (liked it but I gave it stars not because of the show itself, for a different reason, another blog...)
Rock n Roll (only saw half of it because the tube shut down and we were very late)
Voyage Round My Father
Mary Poppins (this doesn't deserve any stars, can I give negative stars?)
Sunday in the Park With George (hahahahahaha)
The Life of Galileo ********* (WONDERFUL!!!)
The Royal Hunt of the Sun
Cyrano ****

In Dublin so far:
The Constant Wife **
The Children of Lir ***** (great Irish theatre)
The Importance of Being Ernest (all male cast!)

Tomorrow we head to Northern Ireland to Belfast and we are spending the day creating theatre in a Prison with 11 prisoners. I am really excited. How cool is that?

A few cool things that have happened:

1. Yesterday we got into see the Book of Kells for free because our tutor "has connections" with Trinity College! She rocks
2. I love Frisbee.
3. We performed theatre on top of a burial mound, which was on top of a mountain in Cooley, Ireland. (pictures to come later). That was awesome.
4. Indian Food in London is SOOOOOOOOO good.
5. Staying in the room right above Oscar Wilde's room at Trinity College right now. If those walls could talk...

I am exhausted and plan on going to bed now....

Oh Maggie, Where Art Thou?

2006-06-30T16:51:00.000-07:00

So it is a known fact that whenever I am with Maggie, or she is nearby weird things happen to me. I am taken on adventures, I get in to trouble, and generally make a mess of everything. I don't really blame her, because I quite enjoy our time together and I do a lot of laughing when she is around but it is strange.

Maggie left on Tuesday for Amsterdam and I did not have to be at my program until Wednesday so I stayed an extra day at the hotel. I spent the day running errands, washing clothes, and walking around my neigborhood. That evening I decided to treat myself to dinner and a movie. After probably the best pizza I have ever had, I sat down in the movie theatre and began to watch the movie. London's version of a Dan Flavin exibit in the movie theatre walkway

Since this was a total chick flick the theatre was about 95% woman. About 3/4's through the movie this woman about 3 rows up from mine quick stood up rushed out of her seat, followed by another woman, then another beginning a chain reaction. My heart stopped and my intial feeling was there was something crawling on the ground like a mouse or a cat or a very large and disgusting cockroach that only exists in London. I raised my feet into my chair.

The next thing I know, I hear "That man is stealing my purse" and I see a black man running down toward the screen and out the emergency exit. The man sitting behind me quickly gets up and follows him out to try and catch him. Unsuccessfully. Apparently, this man had snuck into the theatre, crawled along the floor and tried to steal a purse.

It was SCARY. I mean totally FREAKIN SCARY. I found it interesting that my first thought was a mouse....I guess that is what happens when you live in the burbs.

Story #2

The next morning I had just gotten out of the shower and I was standing in my towel watching one of the 5 channels that we have here in London (that is pretty much my version of hell btw) and all of a sudden the fire alarm goes off in the Hotel. Well, I dress quickly, although I have to tell you, after living in McNutt at college, where the fire alarms went off everynight and it got to the point were we just wouldn't go out anymore, I was reluctant to go out, I ended up going out. There we all stood waiting for the fire truck to approach.The Fire Brigad Turns out...you guessed it...NO FIRE. But anyway, an amusing tale none the less. Thanks Maggie for leaving your entrails with me. I miss you.

Karma's a Bitch

2006-06-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Maggie: (not directly quoted, but close enough) Wow, jess, you have had all the bad luck since we've been here, and I have been quite lucky. How cool is that? I am going to dry my hair now with my new hair dryer, I hope I don't blow a fuse by plugging this into the outlet here that I probably should not plug it into because of the higher voltage...(note the foreshadowing...)

KABOOOM!!!SPARK, SPARK....FLASH...."AHHHHH"

Jess: Giggle,giggle...HAHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh my god, Maggie, are you okay?...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Maggie: Damn it...now I need a new hairdryer.

Laughter and hysterics ensue throughout the evening, except now all of our plugs are not working. We have to tell someone.

Cut to the reception desk later that evening

Maggie: Um...For some unknown, mysterious reason our outlets are not working in our room, we have no idea why.

Receptionist: Really? (said with a sweet, but accusatory tone) I wonder why that is, we will send someone up to take a look.

Maggie and I as we leave: Shit, she totally knows. Damn it. (More laughter)

And the games continue. More to come I am sure.

London

2006-06-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well I am in London (Finally) and so far things are CRAZY. It is extremely stressful. THANK GOD I have Maggie who laughs it all off with me and makes me feel better. I am cranky but I am pretty sure that is because of the jet lag.

Traveling was the worst, the plane was late so sitting in the airport sucked, then immigration only had like 2 people working so I was stuck there for a while (over an hour), then my ATM card didn't work.

I couldn't really enjoy the train ride to victoria station or cab ride to the Hotel because I was stressed about going the right way and the money. Finally after checking into the hotel, I walked upstairs and woke Maggie up....HOORAY!!!!!

Then it was better. MUCH. We ate, went shopping for things that I couldn't bring, and laughed alot when after yelling at my bank (while spending a shitload of money on the phone talking to them) I realized that I was using my parents credit card in the ATM and not mine, which is why it wasn't working.....AHHHHHHH!!!! Maggie called me an idiot, which made me laugh a lot. Did I mention that I am CRANKY???

Next was opening the packaging for the universal crapDAPTER...that was fun. I FINALLY FIGURED THAT OUT (TRANSFORMERS....MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE....)and here I am...venting.

I feel a bit better but I am not tired enough to sleep. More to come I hope soon.

Did I mention that I would be a stressball of a crying mess if it wasn't for Maggie?

Letting Go

2006-05-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last Night was the Final production of my Theatre B class. Some of these students I have had for 2 years and I have grown very attached to them. I didn't realize just how attached I was until last night. The production was great and it was followed by a wonderful cast party at a very large home of one of my students. 25 of the 30 kids showed up which I believe is a testament to the semester and the evening was great.

The kids swam and hung out and then awards were given out with their names on them. The students had to say their favorite memory of the class and there was a lot of laughing. Then one student, Alicija, stood up and said that she loved the class and that she was sad to leave it. That was it, she lost it and began to cry. Then the fun, upbeat evening ended in a cryfest. A full blown-everyone-crying-and-hugging-cryfest. I felt like it was the last night of camp and everyone was leaving and not knowing if we were ever going to see each other again. Many of these kids are going to see each other, but my school feeds into 2 different high schools and so a new part of their lives begin after next week.

I was touched, and I did everything in my power to be strong and not to cry, but really, I was feeling exactly the same way as these kids. I didn't cry, at least not in front of them. I did cry making the scrapbook, walking to my car after the production on my way to the cast party, when I got in my car to head home from the cast party, now... I don't want them to leave. I have NEVER felt this way about a group of students before. They moved me as much as I apparently moved them.

The greatest part of the evening for me was after the cry fest one of the students, the most talented student, came up to me and started to talk to me. The teachers at school joke that this kid is really a 30 year-old trapped in a 14 year-olds body. He is just older and wiser then the typical middle-schooler, but not in such a way where he cannot relate to his age group. He is well-liked and has many friends. He won the principals award this year because he gets good grades and is involved in theatre, choir, football, student council. He does announcements in the morning, and is involved in a drug-free performance group. The ideal student.

We talked for the next half hour about theatre, and directing, and he picked my brain about some courses he is taking this summer and what to look for. I loved it. During the conversation other students would try to become involved and we would try to involve them, but they just couldn't talk on "our level". At one point even I said, "Al, go hang out with your friends!" and he said, "no, I want to talk to you." I almost melted right there. 30 year-old men should really take some lessons from this 14 year-old!

The whole evening was a blast and made me realize a few things. I am exactly where I am suppose to be. It also made me realize that this feeling of loss even though it hurts, feels good. I want that, I miss that connection.

Camp always gave me that. At the end of the 4 weeks or the 8 weeks I would leave feeling that I have made life long friends, that I belonged there, and that I would miss it. It was always hard to leave. And I looked forward to going back every time. I made the promise to myself that the moment camp became a chore I would stop coming. I am still waiting for that. Even this summer, I am going to be working at camp for a week before I leave for London. I only know about 5 people, but I will get butterflies when I turn on to Smith Lane and enter the camp grounds. Memories will be triggered when I walk the perimeter road at night at stop to look at the stars. Wishes will come true (because they ALWAYS do) when I make a wish on the shooting stars I see out there. My prayers will be heard to when sun goes down at the Beit Knesset on Friday evening and the first star shines above the lake. I cannot wait for that feeling. It has been too long.

That is what I want. That is what I need. THAT is what I am looking for.

Evolution of Dance

2006-05-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs to check this out!

Houston's Art Car Parade

2006-05-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

The double Bug
Today I went to the Art Car Parade. It was alot of fun. Here are a few pics of my favorites. It was really hot and I got sunburn because I didn't listen to my mother. But I had fun not sitting on my couch today.

This car could had 2 fronts and no back. It could turn around and drive from both sides. IT WAS AWESOME!

Mayor Bill White (Kinky Freidman was also there)

Star

These cupcakes were so cool, one of them was topped with anti-depressants!

Grandpa Coach

2006-05-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

It has become a new routine to talk to my mother on the way to work. This morning her mother called while we were talking which never happens. When I asked why, my mother responded.

"Oh, she called to tell me that she was leaving for Shul, they are trying to get rid of the rabbi there, that is what they do in Florida."

Satisfied with that answer, I continued to talk to her about our plans for the day thinking nothing of it.

Then in class today a student asked me what the date was and when I said it to her I finished with, "is there something special that happened on that date"? They looked up at me with blank stares and politely tried to answer me with anything they could think of, "Well, tomorrow would be May 11th, like September 11th...." I laughed and said, "No, I don't think that was it.

Unsatisfied with their answers, I shrugged my shoulders and moved on.

Then when I walked in my apartment this afternoon I called my sister at work to tell her something. She then reminded me that today was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death. A lightbulb went off in my head and everything became clear. The phone call this morning, my mother's choice to "omit the truth", and the significant date.

The Jewish religion looks at death very differently then many religions. We see it as a celebration of life, and our funerals and ceremonies focus on honoring the dead. The year anniversary is called the YAHRZEIT. Basically a twenty-four hour candle is lit and a prayer called the Kaddish is recited. Because I am a granddaughter I do not celebrate a yahrzeit.

But nevertheless, I found a tealight, stood up and recited the Kaddish.

Sports Night

2006-05-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

To go along with my slight...obsession with Aaron Sorkin , here is a favorite scene from Sports Night.

Dan Rydell: I'm not distracted.

Dave: In three, two...

Dan Rydell: The Sophomore sensation accredits her agility and quick first step to her father who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered in cheese. We'll be bringing you part two of the story tomorrow night...

[back in the Control Room]
Jeremy Goodwin: Did he just say cheese?

Elliot: He did just say cheese.

Dana Whitaker: What was it supposed to be?

Jeremy Goodwin: What was it *supposed* to be?

Natalie Hurley: Let me find it.

Jeremy Goodwin: "A park all covered with cheese"?

Dana Whitaker: I had three people talking in my ear.

Natalie Hurley: I can't find it, what block?

Kim: We just did it.

Kim: The 50's

Will: 55

Jeremy Goodwin: How about "a park all covered with trees"?

Natalie Hurley: He said cheese?

Jeremy Goodwin: Welcome to the show.

Friends

2006-05-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

From When Harry Met Sally

Harry: What I'm saying is... and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or
form, is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets
in the way.

Sally: That's not true, I have a number of men friends and there's is no sex
involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive, he
always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds
unattractive.

Harry: Nuh, you pretty much wanna nail'em too.

Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there so the
friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

What are your thoughts?

Annoying People

2006-05-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today I filled my quota of annoying people. Here were just the ones that stuck out. (sidenote, I have chosen to leave out the aspects of the annoying people who hurt my feelings today, and focus on the annoyances more of the strangers I dealt with).

1. School Counselor. I get a phone call this morning before the morning bell rang for school asking me to set up some sound equipment for the auditorium. Apparently, there is this assembly going on all morning and they not only need a microphone but they need the sound system. Now, this is not hard to set up, in fact it only takes a second and it is my job so I really don't mind, I just hate not being told. What annoys me is that she had no one there to run the sound system. My students are trained to run it and had to leave my class to help her run this sound system. Again, I would not have minded at all if I had just known about it in advance. Not that big of a deal, but in any case slightly annoying.

2. The Government. More specifically, FAFSA. I am working on getting financial aid for the summer and found out today that I have to resubmit my paperwork because I was told misinformation back in January when I asked about it. Of course, they have no record that I called and asked that question. They don't even have a record that I called again in March when my FAFSA didn't go through to ask why. And no record that I called again earlier this week and found out that I had been doing it wrong this whole time and all I had to do was fill out a simple form all all would be better. Nope, no record of that. And when I called back to double check that I was doing it correctly, I was told AGAIN that I was doing it wrong and had to re submit EVERYTHING. I hope they have a record of that phone call.

3. Woman in the Post Office. I hate going to the post office. The line is always long and I never know what I am doing. But it is a necessary evil. So there I am waiting in line for 20 or so minutes. This woman was standing near the counter on her cell phone filling out some paperwork. She finished her phone call, turned aroud to face the check out. The man behind the counter said "next" and she walked up there, bypassing the entire line (which, was at least a 30 minute wait now). SHE WALKED THERE WITH OUT A CARE IN THE WORLD, LIKE SHE WAS NEXT IN LINE. She was SO not next in line. The bitch.

4. My grandparents.
Grandmother 1 -- My moms mother. I am annoyed because she cannot stay in her budget and just assumes that my father will bail her out. That puts stress on my father and mother and therefore that puts stress on me.
Grandmother 2 -- My dads mother. In the hospital because she overdosed/didn't take some drugs, we are not really sure. Now she is manipulating the hell out of the staff but remaining pretty belligerent and refusing to eat and therefore is not being sent home. Making my parents life a living hell.
Grandfather 1 -- My dads father. Fired his live in help for no reason. Also acting pretty looney by refusing to take his meds. Making my parents life a living hell.

5. Man who works in my Apartment Complex. I walk in my leasing office to pay my rent today and here is the dialogue that ensues with annoying man.

Me: Here is my rent check.
Annoying Man: Thank you.
M: Just one question. Can I get one of those keys to get into the Fitness Center?
AM: You never got one when you moved in?
M: No.
AM: Are you sure?
M: Yes.
AM: Really?
M: Yeah, I am sure.
AM: Really? You're Sure?
M: Yep, as sure as I was since the last time you asked me. (I said with a smile on my face).

Argh.

Worst Fear realized

2006-04-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

Imagine the scariest secret that you have. Imagine the scariest secret you have and telling someone that secret and then imagine their reaction. Now imagine the scariest secret you have and imagine the worst reation that you can get from that person. Pretty horrible right?

That happened to me last night. I told someone a secret about myself, one that i am very uncomfortable with sharing and don't like to share with many people. I share it only for need and with the people I closet to, only with ones I trust. I have shared it with my therapist, and once shared we have not revisted the topic since. Once shared with this person, the reaction could not have been worse. In fact, it was almost worst then I imagined. He made me feel about the size of a pea and then was out of the door before he could say "friends".

I have no idea how to finish this post, other than to say that I hate this.

It's too early...

2006-04-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I did something I never thought I would be able to do. I googled my ex. I google people all the time to see what they are up to, but I could never bring my self to put in the name of my ex-boyfriend and see what he is doing these days. The reasons are not very complex, I didn't want him to be doing better than me, I was not sure if I really wanted to know, and if I looked what was that saying about me.

But with a friend by my side, and on a whim, I did it. The funny thing is he wasn't where he was suppose to be. In fact, just like me, when I found him it appeared that much had changed in his life as well. He had grown up. I always knew that he was on this path, but when I actually found him to be an assitant principal of a school, it made me smile. When I saw his picture, as much as I wanted to him to be extremely fat and bald, he looked the same.

Afterwards, I felt good. Not sad at all. I guess my life right now is in a place where I can take googling old boyfriends. I am in a great job, where I know I am well-liked, I have great friends (even though some are out of town and I miss them a lot), a great family, I am going to grad school in the summer (in London and Dublin), and I am even having some success in the dating venue (although it is way to early to tell what kind of success).

So to "the jerk" -- I am happy for you.

Now if could olnly figure out how to sleep past 7:30am.

Holding Back

2006-03-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think much more clearly then I can articulate my words even to those closest to me. So I am going to try and make them clear on this post.

I began talking to this guy a while ago online and he was the first nice guy in a long time that I covered all the requirements.

1. Seemed interested in me.
2. Very nice (said all the right things)
3. I was attracted to him, really quite good-looking actually.
4. Fun to flirt with, he made me smile and laugh.
5. Most importantly, he was straight....that one was just put in for fun.

We went out of that dreaded first date on Friday and it was nice. There are a few things that I want to clarify here. This is not a post about the horrors of the first date, although there was the struggle to find conversation, the worry to make sure that we were pleasing one another, and the "being on our best behavior" syndrome. The post is about the after date stuff.

I hate it. It is hard for me. It has been a LONG time since I have been here. The last guy that I was actually remotely excited about going on a "date" with was the last boyfriend and that was Junior Year of College. YIKES, I can't believe it has really been that long. Sure, there have been flings, but those don't really count because the attraction happens like a blot of lighting; practically over before it even strikes.

The idea that there is potential, or possibility with this date puts pressure, where pressure has not been in a while. That pressure is residing in my stiff back, interrupting my sound sleep, and curbing my hefty appetite. And worst of all, I don't think this has anything to do with the guy. It is really quite disturbing.

As for the date itself, as much as I try I keep running things in my mind over and over and it is hard not to analyze everything. I can't just seem to let it be. It reminds me of this poem that I had to read, when I was a kid called
"Whatif". By Shel Silverstein. The Whatifs about a test the next day, or green hair on the chest morfs into the worry if I talked to much, or too little, if our conversation was good or bad, or did we even have enough to talk about?

My therapist would say that all those "Whatifs" have nothing to do with him, but are all related to MY insecurities. While that is true, it doesn't help me.

I have been taking advice from my single, and not-so-single friends and the best advice I got was given to me by Alison . She said, to find ways to distract myself. It is funny, because I have given her similar advice on other occasions. I guess when you take yourself out from a situation it is a lot easier to give advice. So I have been keeping myself busy. Ho-hum.....

So now I wait, like any single girl after a first date. Waiting Sucks. Amen.

"Sometime"

2006-03-23T15:05:00.000-08:00

I can't deal with this emotional rollercoaster! But I certainly don't want to deal without it! I feel alive, but I feel so uneasy and uncomfortable. I am very happy but I am so nervous and continuously on edge. It is CRAZY.

Boot Camp

2006-03-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

On Monday I began an 8-week program called boot camp. My friend May and I began it together in what Jay, our instructor, calls "the buddy system". Everything Hurts.

Monday's class was eye opening. It began with no stretching and us getting in formation (um, that is lines)that always have to be straight or we do push-ups. Then we do running in place, jumping jacks (which are not called jumping jacks), skiing in place, push-ups, sit-ups, and other treacherous things while counting. Ahhhh, the counting. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9...10...NOPE not ten...one zero.., one one, one two....fucks me up every time! It is so funny. Then we ran. Along the smelly Braes Bayou.

I woke up Tuesday in so much pain that I had to laugh, but even that hurt. Tuesday night was our P.T. Test (for all you untrained army folk, that is our Physical Training Test) We are graded on 2 minutes of push-ups, 2 minutes of sit-ups and a 2 mile run. I am out of breath just thinking about it.

This test was hard for me emotionally and physically. Suprisingly. I am disappointed in myself, and I realized just how out of shape I really am. I tried my best not to compare my numbers with those around me, but found that difficult. I just have to set personal goals for myself and not worry about what everyone else does. This is hard enough in life much less in boot camp.

I had a day off on Wednesday and then Thursday came. Ah, Thursday. We had a different instructor, Frank. He was great. We did mostly toning throughout the class and my butt and abs are rock hard. I have never had to do so many push-ups in my entire life. Instead of running, we did sprint relays. Those were pretty fun. Now there is no class until Monday. In a strange way I miss it.

Peaked

2006-02-21T18:04:00.000-08:00

I am 28 years old and I have just received "Teacher of the Year" at my Middle School. That leads me to the question, have I just hit my professional peak? Is this it? I should be happy, but instead I am just asking myself questions such as that. Hey Joshua could you turn on your new toy and check???

Good Week...Shhhh don't temp fate

2006-02-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

So far this week....

1. I won $125 on a Superbowl bet at school (I am being called "Moneybags" by all the coaches...) so cool...It's like reverting back to middle school and having Terry McKowen look at me!!!! Awesome!

2. I got into the Study Abroad program at NYU this summer and will be spending much of June and July in London and Dublin. MIND THE GAP!!!!

3. A student of mine did a Personal Experience Speech on visiting the set of some of her favorite TV shows and Movies with her father over winter break. I happen to write on the evaluation how much I was jealous of her and how cool she was. And I might have mentioned how much I loved Zach Braff and Scrubs. Anyway, today she hands me a DVD with 3 Scrubs episodes on it. "Ms. H., My father read your comments on my speech and thought you might want to borrow this, you see, he is an Emmy voter and...." I tuned out there as I grabbed the DVD and threw my arms around the student (in an appropriate manner). HOW COOL IS THAT? I explained to her that is one step closer to making him my husband.

This is so much better then the end of last week which entailed falling infront of about 10 strangers and a few people who I am desperately trying to become friends with. Did I mention that I not only fell, but I dropped my food...NOT ONCE but TWICE?....It was horrible. Anyway. More news to come.

Taggin

2006-02-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

Oops! I was told that tagging meant that I was suppose to write the same things. Kinda like 'Tag your it'...but I didn't realize. I guess better late then never. So here goes.

Four Jobs I've had:

1. Camp Counselor
2. High School Teacher
3. Youth Group Director
4. Middle School Teacher (Current)

Four Movies I could watch over and over:

1. The Princess Bride
2. Noises Off
3. The American President
4. Indiana Jones (any of them)

Four Places I've Lived:

1. Houston, TX
2. Paris, France (I don't remember it much)
3. Tulsa, OK
4. Houston, TX

Four TV Shows I love:

1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Scrubs
3. Arrested Development (I HATE FOX)
4. Num3bers

Four Places I've Vacationed:

1. Maui
2. Canada
3. New York
4. Marfa

Four of my Favorite Dishes:

1. Pizza ( I just can't help myself)
2. French Fries (I am partial to Waffle)
3. Buffalo Chicken Wings on my Birthday (a special recipe made only once a year by my family)
4. Mac and Cheese with Onyums

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Yahoo Mail
2. Jdate (sigh...)
3. NYU
4. Yahoo Mail again...what can I say, I am obsessed...

Four places I would like to be right now:

1. Disneyworld
2. LA..Stargazing
3. On a date with Zach Braff
4. You know, I'd settle for on a date...

Four bloggers I am tagging

1.stupid freakin titles
2.the long division
3.osmium
4.Zach Braff

My birthday

2006-01-29T12:42:00.000-08:00

Everytime I go to write a post, I lost momentum. I have beginnings of many posts but that is it. So here are all of my beginnings..

Today is my Birthday, as as far as birthdays go, it is a good one.

I want a love like the ones I see on the TV even though I know they are not possible.

My apartment is so messy, but I have no desire to clean.

I haven't had a Migrane in 2 weeks and I am so excited, but I am locking my keys in my car (with the car running) as a result.

I am in not the gross kind of love with a 13 year old.

My grandparents are as looney as they have ever been.

I went to a Tapas and Wine Party this past weekend.

Arrested Development

2006-01-02T18:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight's episode was the funniest one that I have seen! The constant jabs at Fox made it super funny.

Questions I am asking now:

Have they been picked up?
Was the live-feed at the end really live?
Did Buster get his Thumb back?
Will the west coast one be different?

Check out the website, the one on the show was incorrect

save the bluths

I am so excited to see what will happen. I may have to get showtime!

Brokeback Munich

2005-12-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

2 great movies to see over the holidays.

Brokeback Mountain
Munich

Both Oscar Worthy!

John Spencer

2005-12-21T15:03:00.000-08:00

The saddest news of the week is that John Spencer a seasoned actor on The West Wing died. He was one of my favorite actors on the show. If you know me at all, you should know that I am huge, no make that, astronomical fan of Aaron Sorkin. I googled him today (Aaron that is) and I am excited to say that he is working on many projects. One of those projects include a movie with Tom Hanks when he finishes filming The Da Vinci Code.

He is also working on a TV series much like Sports Night, but take out the behind-the-scenes of a sports network and put it in a behind-the-scenes Comedy TV series and it is gonna rock! (I hope) but I will certainly make time for it on my Tivo schedule.

The exciting thing (if his new stuff wasn't exciting enough) is that it is a fun fact for those Sorkin enthusiasts that we will be able to play the who's who on his new shows. There is no doubt that he sticks to a certain group of actors and it never ceases to amaze me just how many of the same people he uses on his shows.

Anyway, goodbye to John Spencer, there are definitely Angels on the streets of heaven tonight!

North Carolina

2005-12-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

I am currently in North Carolina visiting one of my closest friends Erin. Living in Texas where the Christmas Day forcast is 66 degrees, I am in a constant state of cold here in NC where the temp today is high of 40 degrees. Brrrr...

Having the Time of my life!!!! Talk to you when I get back.

It's a Helluva town!

2005-11-28T15:23:00.000-08:00

Today I received my acceptance letter for NYU graduate school! Half-price ticket line here I come!

Whoopee!

Anyone want some Slim Jims?

2005-10-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I am in middle school again, and not just because I teach that age group. I have few friends that live in Houston with me. Most of my friends live around the county, in strange places, like Chicago (2nd best baseball team in the nation), Austin, TX (Such a hip town) and Charlottesville, NC (I am sure it is very nice, I’ve never been there). H-town can be a lonely place on weekends when there is no one to go out with.

Recently, I have befriended some teachers that work at my school. They are young, both single, and they go out a lot. I was actually the one who brought the two of them together when I invited them to dinner at my house last year. The three of us would go out maybe once a weekend to hang out and do things. We went to dance clubs, bars, movies, dinner, and once we went to an all night “video” store.
They are what my friend Alison calls “Slim Jim friends”. They are not quite as good as Beef Jerky, but in a tight spot a Slim Jim will suffice. So these Slim Jims have been hanging out with one another more often lately. I wouldn’t mind this at all because the whole gang doesn’t ALWAYS have to be together, but it seems that during these times that they are purposely leaving me out. Last weekend in fact, they went Halloween costume shopping together. Now again, this wouldn’t bother me much, but we are supposed to go to a Halloween party together this weekend, so why wouldn’t they invite me to shop with them? I mean, what if I bought the same costumes?? OMG -- How horrible would that be!

This is where the middle school mentality comes in to play. I feel rejected. It is a stupid feeling that I haven’t had in a long time, mainly because the people I surround myself who believe that hurting anyone’s feelings is wrong. I am angry that I am bothered so much by this. I don’t even really like these people (one of them is even a bit racist) and yet I am feel hurt every time they go out without asking me. Why is that?

Maybe it is because I only have a few friends that I see often, and it is important to me that I remain friends with the ones I have here…even if they suck. Maybe it is just time to find new friends and drop the immature, close-minded, fake, friends I have now. After all I am better than that.

Doin it

2005-09-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting outside and this car pulled up but no one got out. This is nothing special because often the people inside are listening to very loud obnoxious music. I watched it for a while and soon it started bumping up and down. I laughed wondering what they were doing in the car. Usually at this point my very active imagination gets away from me.

About 30 seconds later (and I am not kidding about the 30 seconds) The bumping stopped and this guy got out of the backseat, pulled up his pants and then drove away.

They were doin it! Well, I guess someone should be.

KLUTZ

2005-09-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

After attending a pre-hurricane party (or really get together with 1 other person and her cat) I was walking up my stairs. There was this guy at the top waiting for me so we could both fit and I was hurrying so he wouldn't have to wait. When the last 2 steps came something happened...I don't know what and I tripped and fell...right there at the top of the stairs about a foot away from this stranger.

My purse flew as well as my keys and I landed on my right knee (now badly bruised and throbbing slightly).

He asked me if I was okay and I said, "More embarrassed then anything" That was an understatement. I WAS MORTIFIED.

Just one more klutzy thing...Maggie --stop laughing.

Online dating

2005-09-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

I am still doing the online dating thing. I cannot even count how many wussy guys have emailed me and said they were going to call and didn't. Why say anything if you don't mean it?

I have stopped being excited about it now because it got old getting my hopes up. So what did I do? I signed up to match.com....

Maybe I will more lucky with the non wussy jews.

Going clubing next weekend. Just kill me now. I'd rather watch Arrested Development. But how am I suppose to meet anyone stuck in my apartment? Dating sucks.

Fall Preview

2005-09-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite times of year is approaching. Fall TV.

New shows, old shows returning...happiness ensues.

I really hate the month of August on TV. There is nothing on. I am supported only by netflix which even though it is great, when I want to watch 10 hours of the same TV show at once it is difficult cause I can only get a few at a time.

So on Friday, I purchased season 3 of Gilmore Girls...a show that I missed when it began and now I am desparetley trying to catch up on. It is wonderful. I am attempting to rashin the episodes until Sept 27th when Season 4 comes out, but with no luck...only 4 more to go and I am sure that I will finish them this evening.

So back to the fall preview. I bought Entertainment Weekly and the TV guide and I have read them cover to cover. It is a routine ever year. I read the magazines and then schedule with my Tivo the shows I am planning on trying this year. I outline the conflicts and then make an educated decision as to which show wins. This is fun for me.

This year I am mostly looking forward to the returning shows, because the new shows do not seem very exciting. Too many shows have evolved trying to become other shows that were hits. There are the "Lost" shows, "CSI" shows, and of course the "Law and Order" shows. None of which interest me.

Remember when "ER" happened and there were those million shows that copied it? And how many of those survived? Hardly, if any. At least none I can remember the names of. Seems easy for me to then make the astute decision that not many of this year's "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives" like shows will survive.

Let's be orginial people! COME ON.

Okay done ranting now. Back to Gilmore Girls.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do....

2005-08-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

There is this couple in my complex and I am pretty sure that have relationship problems. She lives across the way from me and more then a few times he has come home and she has locked him out of the apartment. Once he came at 1:30 in the morning and knocked on her door until 2am! I was pretty mad. He would say things like "Megan, please open the door", and "Don't be like your father". Without knowing any of the story, I feel kinda bad for him, so as pissed as I was at 2am I didn't call anyone.

Tonight, the same old thing was going on and I guess somehow the cops were called. I was sitting on my patio watching this and the cop talked to them for a while and then the guy left (with his clothes which were outside the door in a pile when I got home tonight). The cop then knocked on my door and asked me if I knew what was going on. Even though I have no idea what is going on, it felt pretty cool to be involved. Yes, I know, Queen Dork thy name is Jess!

Fly Hell

2005-08-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

I am currently in FLY HELL.

After almost burning down my apartment while attempting to make turkey bacon, I had to open my porch door to let out the smoke. Well, apparently I had a Fly colony living right outside my door, and almost immediately in flew about 5 flys. So now in the smokey haze I tried to shoe them out while inadverently letting 5 more flys in.

There are 2 more left. One flying around my head, taunting me, the other buzzing around the window making that obnoxious buzzing noise. AHHHHHH!

I can only hope that the smoke inhalation will kill them quickly.

Weather To Weather the Weather or Not

2005-08-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do is to sit outside and watch stormy weather approach. Houston in the summer is a great place for this. You can basically set your watch in July and August by the summer thunderstorms.

Every afternoon around 4pm it begins. I guess because of the heat storms develop leaving much time to get your errands done in the morning hours.

Today is no different. I have been sitting outside listening to the Thunder for about an hour. The slow, gutteral grumble of the crashing clouds. It is intoxicating. The wind slowly picks up and the air becomes slightly cooler. The sky turns a dark gray and the trees become a vibrant, almost lime green. The day turns almost dusk-like as the storm approaches.

Sometimes the heavy, cool rain comes and sometimes just the menacing sounds from a far off place. Today it is the sound only...for now.

For me, it is the uncertianty, the wonderment (if that really a word) of something bigger in nature that is appealing.

It reminds me that I am part of something much larger.

Home Coming

2005-07-28T18:09:00.001-07:00

Things that I am looking forward to when I return home on Sunday.

1. Seeing my family
2. Playing with my dog
3. Watching what I have Tivoed
4. Eating food that is not part of the yellow food group (i.e. bread, chicken nuggets, corn, pasta, mac and cheese...)
5. STARBUCKS
6. Taking a proper shower
7. Hanging out with

Alison

8. Planning for work
9. Netflix
10. Sleeping in my proper couch
11. Talking to my Therapist
12. Getting my nails done
13. Waxing (I'll spare you the details)
14. Shopping for school clothes
15. Going movie hopping
16. Not having any responsiblity beyond feeding myself
17. Keeping up on my blogging

Things I will miss about not being at camp

1. Erin
2. Always having someone to talk to
3. Mock-walking
4. Crazy Israeli's
5. Boys to crush on
6. England
7. Texas Roadhouse
8. The stars
9. Trees that blow in the wind (their blowin...)
10. PT Cruisers
11. Kona Cafe
12. Red and Purple hats

Learning

2005-06-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

There are two types of people in the world. Those that give attention and those that take attention.

The takers are the one in a crowd that always are the center of the attention. They are outspoken, opininated, and cocky. They crack jokes, complicated everything, and ask a lot of questions. The takers monopolize many conversations. They are popular. They pick favorites and ignore the rest until they want something.

The givers are quiet, flexible, and accepting. The laugh at jokes, simplify everything, and answer a lot of questions. They observe others in crowds. They are outsiders. They are friendly with everyone and often feel guilty when they don't give everyone equal attention.

I am a giver, and have always been one. I am put off by the takers cocky attitudes and their constant need to make known their presence. I am jealous of their relaxed, self-confident dememor. I disappointed by their desire to be liked. However, I am often drawn to them. Perhaps, it is only because I have that desire myself.

The person who can confidently stand in the middle of the line is the one I long to be. It is the perfect combination. To be able to suck people in, to command a room, to be liked automatically, but to be reserved, independant, and confident at the same time. I feel that there are only a few people who can do this. I am certainly not one of them.

I always find that being in close quarters with many people at once allows me to make these observations. It, then, allows me to focus on the areas that I want to improve on and let go of the qualities that I do not like.

I guess you can say that I will take whatever I can get.

Time of year

2005-06-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

I am a camper through and through. I grew up at a Reform Jewish Camp in Bumblefuck, Texas. I spent 14 years there as a camper, a staff member, and finally as a director. After those wonderful years, I worked at a Jewish leadership camp in Wisconsin. I am on my 4th year there and I am looking forward to it.

I love the camp environment. I love the idea that I get to be around people 24/7. I love that there is always someone to talk to, someone to sit with and someone to eat with. I love dressing up to go to Walmart in the evenings and taking days off driving to nowhere and purposely getting lost, just cause there is extra time before I have to get back to camp. I love that I get to meet new people, and create new friendships every year.

I love the preparation leading up to it. Here is a list (thanks for the suggestion, Alison) of things that I do to get ready.

1. Laundry -- here is where I wash things and make piles ALL over my apartment. I have the yes pile, the maybe pile, and the no pile (I guess I could just put those away, but why miss the fun of the piles?)

2. Target Run -- I walk up and down the aisles at Target for things I need, tolietries to last the entire time, books to read (which I won't), and of course a scarf or 2 just for fun.

3. Clothing shopping -- As my mother said today, I really need to get to work so I can stop this addiction to buying things that I don't really need. I do this a lot to replace the boredom.

4. Cleaning my apartment -- HA! This will happen at about midnight the day before I leave.

5. Making lists -- I make a ton of lists of things to remember, things to do, things to bring and post them all over my apartment. Like the piles, it is all very methodical. There are the ones on my front door that I will look at before I leave (ID, Tickets, turn up Air...) Then there are the ones in my bathroom so I do not forget my tolietries that I used that morning. And lastly, the other lists travel with me on many of my excursions.

All of these tasks, remind me of the excitement of returning to camp and creating new memories and friendships. They prepare me not only for the trip I am about to take but for the journey I am about to embark on.

More writings while I am there.

Eulogy

2005-05-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

This is the Eulogy that my mother read at my grandfather's funeral. It is amazing. I believe that this is the best way to honor my grandfather on my blog. Grab a tissue and enjoy!

Dad always said that all he ever wanted was a good egg cream.

I am happy to say that this heart's desire was fulfilled, and I can also say that Dad looked back on his life with satisfaction, pride, laughter and a great deal of affection.

I can be certain of this because these years after Dad retired from teaching he wrote down in that beautiful cursive of his many of his favorite stories and memories. Kenny and I retyped them and reread them over and over. I can also say that you all played important roles in these life experiences, and that the years never dimmed Dad's optimism and joy in life.

Dad wore many hats in his day: valued friend, beloved husband, loyal fisherman, matchless matchmaker, cherished father, adored grandfather, respected brother-in-law, admired brother, master of ceremonies par excellence, expert juggler...The list goes on.

But I believe the role Dad was most comfortable with and what he remembers so fondly is one of teacher or coach.

Can't we all say that Coach taught us so many things, some in his demeanor and some in his words?

For me, I will name a few:

1. Win with dignity: Always shake hands and have respect for your opponent, no showboating (although Kenny has been known not to heed this by throwing his racket in the air on a number of occasions). Remember that you will be on the other side one day and would want to be treated this way.

2. And when you lose or your shot doesn't go in, don't stand around and blame others. Get back up the court, no matter how difficult it is or how much it hurts or precious time will be lost. Dad carried himself in this manner in both the good and bad parts of his life. And Ken and I have always tried to emulate that.

3. The proper way to eat a banana is sideways. Dad always said it lasted longer that way. But I believe it was a metaphor telling us to be different, show our personalities, our individual specialness. Coach found that in everyone he met, from his former students high-fiving him at Burger King, to the child who he aided in the wheelchair, to the prisoners he taught, to some of the famous people like Denzel who crossed his path. He respected the differences and wallowed in the specialness of each of his 5 grandchildren. He enjoyed the moments with his nieces and nephews, and especially those catches with Michael.

4. Be loyal to those you love. Dad the teacher remained Dad the Fisherman simply and totally because Grandpa needed him. He never wavered and never believed it should be any other way.

5. When you have a friend, it's for life. And not even death can part the memories. Morty and Dad were friends for 80 non-stop years. They know each other's faults and love each other still. I know Mac is sad today, but I hope he looks at this as how lucky he was to have a friend for so long.

6. Be on the lookout because friendship can come into your life at any time. Irving and Dad had a special friendship although they each had different strengths.

7. Share your passions with those you love. Dad shared his love of sports with me with patience. No question was ever silly, no idea was ever wrong. And he turned me into a lifelong sports fan with his gentle manner and great stories. Many of his passions became my passions. Dad loved the study of history, especially the Civil War. I too, cannot resist any museum. He taught me to be crazy about the movies of the 30s and 40s. And I in turn have taught/okay forced this passion on my girls.

8. Marriage is a partnership of give and take. What a beautiful couple they were! Dad sang to Mom on his knees in the Sisterhood show, "I can't give you anything but love." And she took it! For most of my life, a red rose appeared on the table on the 17th of every month. And no two people could dance together with such grace and pleasure.

9. There are no in-laws. Dad welcomed Grandma Edna and Grandpa Hershey into his home to live and share his life. He always felt he had 4 parents. He was so proud of his sisters and brother, how Aunt Sydel could put together a party, how talented Aunt Lynne is, how much like Grandma Esther Aunt Mimi is, and well, he was so proud of his brother for embodying so many of the characteristics he could only wish to have (for example we all know that Dad was technologically challenged). For his so called in-laws, he always waxed poetic and felt so lucky. I quote Dad when I say Uncle Dave "could converse about anything" (a quality Dad shared), Uncle Nat is a "true gentleman," Uncle Larry "what a great guy," and he was always so proud and truly believed that he was responsible for Bayla coming into our family.

10. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Dad taught me to love the morning, greet each day with hope. He recommended a healthy breakfast of lox to start each day. And while I don't always follow that advice, I know you will all agree that there is no better taste than that of a bagel and lox at a Pasternak simcha.

Here is a picture I am holding in my heart to sustain me today:

Three men are seated in the bleachers of a baseball game in heaven. The man in the middle has a cigar in his mouth and his pockets are bulging and overflowing with paper rings. To his right sits his son, wearing Bermuda shorts, black high socks, a shirt untucked, but there is a pen with turquoise (never just blue) ink in his pocket. Between bites of his perfectly prepared hot dog he is pleasantly bickering with his brother. Maris has just tied the game in the 9th but none of the men are watching. The other son is looking at his watch with one hand, while gently petting the red and white freckled face dog sitting contentedly on his lap. The man smells slightly of fish and none of his clothes match.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright; The band is playing somewhere; and somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing; and little children shout; But.
I know two things are certain.

1. Dad does not let the three men stay long enough to see Mickey hit the home run to win the game.

2. There are seats in the bleachers waiting for all of us.

Drained

2005-05-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

My grandfather passed away on Tuesday. This is not the same one I spoke of earlier. He died after fighting a LONG hard battle with Parkinsons. It has been difficult to find the best way to give tribute to him on my blog so I have decided to wait until I know what I want to write about.

Conversations and the Like

2005-04-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I get a phone call from a friend I work with.

"Jess, I just did something very stupid"

Great beginning, right?

"There was this very good looking cop at the resturant and I went up to him, with no liquid courage at all and told him I thought he was hot! He asked for my number and I gave it to him. Jess, I have a boyfriend, why did I do that?"

Even though I had many prepared answers to this question: because you don't love your boyfriend, because your boyfriend is never around, because you had a momentary single flashback?, I just said "I don't know"

She came over soon after that. While she was over, she made me promise that I would not let her answer the phone because he was planning on calling. I have to say that my curosity got the best of me and when the phone rang I made her pick it up (not really a big fight). They flirted for a few and then she put me on. Yes, I did realize that this was remincent of high school, but I felt like reliving those years.

I immediately took on the familiar role of the-friend-of-the-girl-who-the-guy-was-hitting-on. I am good at this. I was always that friend in high school who would set up the guy with the friend. It is funny looking back, because I always had a huge crush on the guy I was helping set up with my friend. I would go to the guy, who I was in love with, and tell him that my friend had a crush on him. They would go out and I would hear about all the fun they were having....secretly being jealous of their happiness and never being happy myself.

Today, I have much more confidence in myself, and while I do occasionaly help that friend, the people I surround myself with now don't need me in that way.

I do, occasionally, need them though.

Lack of Conversation

2005-04-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

Lately, I find myself quite put off (put out?) by the online dating. Initially, I was excited because I was so proud of myself for actually doing something, you know, putting myself out there. The immediate response I got was nice; a few emails, a couple of Instant Messages, and even a date. Since then there has been nothing. I, with the help of my friend Alison, have teased several people to no avail. I have begun to email some people thinking that maybe the teasing method is much too generic.

I feel that my profile is flat and boring, that the answers to my questions are similar to everyone’s. I think to myself that if I just had more of a creative profile then maybe, just maybe I would find the man of my dreams…maybe it is me that is dreaming.

Not getting responses or any type of communication from ANYONE forces me to ask myself some very unpleasant questions. These questions are by no means flattering and just make me feel depressed. I do my best to sustain my positive attitude of “He’s just not that into me” but it is difficult because I feel plagued whether or not that is actually what is going on.

So now I have to think long and hard. Do I leave the Internet dating world with the satisfied of “I tried” stigma, or do I push on in hopes that something will change?

GOYA

2005-04-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

I walked into the ICU yesterday to find a quiet circular room with the center filled with desks and computers. On the edges of the room were smaller, obviously patient rooms. The sound of beeping arrived and faded as we passed from one room to the next. As we entered my grandfather's room the beeping got louder before it became unimportant. He was sleeping, with my grandmother holding his hand at his side. The many wires that were attached lead my eyes to a black monitor above him that judged his heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing.

This was not an unfamiliar sight. At 91 years old he is often in the hospital for different things but this seemed unique somehow. My grandmother said "Sid, Jessica is here don't you want to say hello?" He moved his hand, eyes still closed and proceed to wave to me. I waved back without even thinking that he was not looking at me. I must have been nervous.

Struggling to hold back tears, I listened to my parents try to make upbeat conversation with my grandmother. I found myself distracted by the beeping and mezmorized by the black monitor. My heart aching every time I would look and see a change in the breathing line.

Soon my grandfather opened his eyes and smiled at me. He asked me, with shortened breath, how my play was and how I was. I attempted to make conversation with him but felt unsuccessful. He even went so far as to tell me a story from his younger years. A story that I had heard many times over, but this time it stuck.

Back in his prime, my grandfather was the principal of a New York Public school. He often shares with me stories of his dealings with kids. There is the famous story of the student who fell asleep in class, and who he did not wake up until the night custodian woke him. Or the one where the student would not stop leaning back in his chair (something I fight with daily) so he gave the student a broken chair with only the back 2 legs to use all day.

This one was about what he would say to the teachers when they would sit at their desks all day instead of walking around while teaching. He used to call it G.O.Y.A (Get Off Your Ass). It was nice to hear him talk.

Dinner came and the nurse helped him into his chair and he ate the salt free, sugar free, and taste free pasta. He seemed to perk up quite a bit and even started complaining (while joking) about the food. He was his old self.

We left soon after that tired from talking and parted our ways. No one really knows how long he will be there, or if and when he will be able to come home. I can't think about that, though.

Reason to Live

2005-04-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

I have made the decision (an easy one) that Oreos are a good reason to live. They are even worth it to eat the lower fat ones....Does it count if I eat like 10 of them? Weight Watchers is going well, thanks for asking.

A feeling of Accomplishment

2005-04-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today my students put on their first play.....my first play. I feel great about it. It is really the first time in a long time that I could do something like this and not have to worry that someone was watching for me to make a mistake. For the first time I really felt like this was ALL ABOUT THE KIDS....my old job never gave me that opportunity. When thing actually went well, which was rare, people would look for something to pick on. Not tonight. I was great.

Letter to a friend

2005-03-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

Below is a letter to my friend that I sent to her last night. I felt the creative juices....

Dear Princess Maggie - Once upon a weekend in a far off land called Chicago there lived a Tiger. This tiger had a friend come and stay with her for a weekend. Now this beautiful friend had one major flaw...she was a slob. And before her carriage ride flew home to Houston she lost her favorite glass, black, slip on shoe.

This shoe was very important to her because without it, she would have to hobble around at work in pain because the only other shoes she had that were accecptable work shoes were given to her by her evil step-department store, Nine West.

Princess Maggie, hearing of her friends perdiciment, searched her castle room high and low for this shoe. She had help...the largest mouse in the world..JoJo (a distant relative of GusGus). With a "HOORAY!" she found the lonely black, slip on shoe made by Liz Claborne and sent it back to its owner by carriage.

When her friend checked her mail 3 months later she was estatic to find her prized shoe, and that her electricity would be turned off if she did not pay her bill with in a few hours.

The moral of the story is: Beautiful friends of Princess Maggies should always do a double check before leaving or thou wilst forget something.

Artifical Love

2005-03-16T15:29:00.001-08:00

The first J...date. It was interesting. I cannot remember the last "date" I went on. Acutally I take that back, I remember and it was pretty much the same as this one. There was good conversation (constant) and interesting topics. We discussed topics I enjoy; Movies, TV, and Teaching. There was coffee (always a plus) and a bit of laughter. There was arm-touching (on his part), a hug at the end, and the acceptance of a second date. But there was no spark.

I have discovered that I am a cynic when it comes to online dating. I have a hard time believing that it is possible to find love by looking up a profile and sending an email. Love should be heart-stopping, nerve-shaking, unbelieveably earth-quaking.... Maybe not from moment one...but at least by moment three. I can't see an IM or an email develop into that. Even with Like and not love there should be attraction, or interest, or intrige.

My friends say that I am just too picky. But I like to call it creatively choosey. Maybe I am cynic when it comes to dating of any kind.

Now I am adding to this post, the second date. This was truly a confirmation of my cynicism. I was unenthusiatic, unimpressed, and unmotivated on this date. I became the spitting image of the pessimist. I searched for glasses half empty. I went with a negative attitude, I was the clock watcher, the arguer, the dumper....in one word it was BLECH!

Yet, I am still going to press on and try again. Maybe someone is out there on the internet that can prove me wrong. I am impatient.

Jdate and the like

2005-03-08T19:11:00.000-08:00

A push from a friend and I am off attempting to meet men on the singles-net. I did this once before, during the helljob and hated it. I paid the money and registered on jdate. I thought this website, dedicated specifically to single Jews, was a great idea, until all of the people that I knew were on it. Ask any jew, I promise that one time or another they have done at least one of the Internet-dating steps:

1) been to the website to look at their friends and laugh
2) put up a free profile
3) put forth the mula and registered
4) emailed/IM/Teased
5) actually met on a date.
6) fell in love and got married (I do have proof that the marriage thing happens, went to a jdate wedding in October...the love-verdict is still out)

On my first go-round, I went up to step 3. I didn't actually talk to anyone that emailed me because they were all 40+ers. I just wanted to write on my profile...."Those older than twice my age, need not apply". And that was the end of round 1.

Now, round 2 begins...it is exciting. 11 people have already looked at my profile, and my picture hasn't even been approved. I also spoke to some guy on IM for a while. This was weird. He was older; i.e. not quite 40, but pushing it. He was nice enough, but he didn't seem to know how to spell. Seen = scene ; Hart= heart, etc.. It was strange to say the least. I cannot even imagine moving to step 5....but I haven't given up.

I did Tease (meaning to "tease" someone with pre-made expressions) a cute guy. He was also older but he was witty, clever, and pretty decent-looking in pictures. We will see if he chooses to write me back. And so the game goes...here's hoping for a knock-out!

Dear Kevin

2005-03-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

I remember you. I remember you making me laugh in 3rd grade. You were the class clown. I remember you throwing up in the trashcan in 5th grade. It smelled like peanut butter. I remember you talking me down from the jungle gym in 5th grade when I was too scared to climb down. Scott helped, remember that?

I remember sitting across from you in Mrs. Kelley's english class and crushing on you. I remember your long wavy blond hair. I remember your desire to work for the FBI. I remember your jeep. I don't remember the color. I remember where you lived, somewhere on Glen Lakes. I remember seeing you at a short-lived bar on Cartwright playing pool with friends when we were in college. I remember talking to you then and was reminded just how nice you were. I remember the renewed feeling of butterflies when you spoke to me. I remember that being the last time I saw you.

I don't remember hearing about your death. I do remember you were in a car accident. I don't remember when. I do remember thinking how you were the first of my friends to die. I remember that I think about you a lot.

Sincerely,
Jess

The Jungle Book

2005-02-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

When talking about death, Arthur Miller once said, "The jungle is dark but full of diamonds."

My friend's mother died last night of complications from Lukemia. Maggie called me this afternoon because she was shopping for shoes and had a meltdown in the department store. She wanted share with me that she thought of that episode of "Sex and the City" where Miranda's mom died and she had a meltdown shopping for bras. We laughed and joked on the phone about how she is now like Miranda. Laughed and Joked.

I have a hard time thinking past the death. If someone I love in my life dies I only will see the dark of the jungle and not the shine of the diamonds.

AIM

2005-02-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

It is strange just how many "buddies" I have on my AIM. I have 65 names right now. Check this out:

2 is the number of names I talk to on a regular basis
5 is the number of names I talk to, on average, once a month
8 is the number of names I talk to once every few months
45 is the number of names I never speak to
18 is the number of names that I was once friendly with
27 is the number of names of kids from my old job...that I don't speak to anymore
5 is the number of names of people I have no desire to ever speak to again
1 is the number of names that I have actually gone to lengths to block from my email
2 is the number of names that I cannot for the life of me remember who they are

Why do I feel the need to keep anyone on my list? Interesting...the things we hold on to.

Wishy-Washy

2005-02-13T16:36:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I always pick those wishy-washy friends to hang out with. I do my best trying to find new friends, making the effort to get to know them, to take that hard step to ask them to go to a movie, or to dinner, and then it seems that I am always left waiting.

Waiting is a nasty concept. Who ever invented it must be shot, and quickly...no waiting.

Why do I get all excited about going out with someone new. Someone who I like, someone who is different than the normal people I go out with. Don't get me wrong, I love the normal people, and I would spend more time with them if I could, but the normal people have other trustworthy, no waiting people to spend some time with as well. It would be selfish to expect that they spend all their time with me. So then I wait.

I make plans, spend all weekend looking forward to those plans, and here I am at 7pm waiting for a phone call to do those plans. This is not the first time this has happened.

Right now I could be at my parents house with my sister, who I only get to see once a week, eating yummy, healthy food and playing with my dog and instead, I am stuck at my house watching the 12th episode of Gilmore Girls, second season. There is only so much gilmore girls I can watch without feeling particularally lonely and annoyed.

At what point do I call the evening a bust and go to bed? At what point do I shut off my cell phone so I do not think about it anymore? At what point to I give up on the waiting??

This sucks.

Marriage Proposal

2005-02-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Zach Braff -

Will you marry me, please?

Love,
Jess

Taking Care

2005-02-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

I am taking care of my friends dog this weekend. She is just the cutest thing! It took us a little while to get comfortable with one another. She moped around the first 24 hours with her tail between her legs shaking and looking for her mom, but finally, after testing the waters we have found a comfort zone.

We now relish in the long walks, and sleep on each other's pillows! We look forward to the meals and the treats! And by 'we' I mean the dog, of course.

Anyway busy week at school, starting new units in all classes as well as casting my first of hopefully many plays!

How is everyone in computerland?

I am out

2005-01-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

I have been discovered, revealed, exposed, uncovered, found out, dragged 'out of the closet', if you will.

Since I began this blog in December, I have only told one person. I don't really have any particular reason why I told only her. I wasn't playing favorites. I guess I wanted a secret about myself that hardly anyone else knew. A secret, that I could keep to myself (+1), a journal that only one person would ever know about.

Yes, that is why I chose to use a public weblog that the world has the capablites to read.

Apparently I am not the best at keeping secrets! Who knew?

My best friend found me because incidently my knowledge of computers suck. I find myself to be extremly happy that she found out. I hate keeping secrets, and even though this wasn't one of the enigma's that I would normally keep, I am glad that she told me that my expertise of the web world is, to say the least, lacking.

So I am out! Hooray! I feel so liberated!

On to a troubling discovery. Not everyone has a will to live. My friend's mother has an acute form of Lukemia. I found out recently that she has refused treatment and has made the decision to die. While I can sympathize and respect that decision, I can't help feel that it is extremely selfish. She has 2 wonderful daughters, a dog, and a 7 month old grandson. How can she just leave that? How can she not want to see her grandson grow up? See her youngest daughter get married? Grow old with her dog?

I am sure it is not as simple as that, but I am saddened, and angered by this decision. How can anyone be that down? I may be biased toward my friend. I may also be selfish in my own right to think it CAN be that simple of a decision.

I guess I can't even imagine what I would do in that situation. I can only hope that my family and friends would not let me get to the point where I have made the decision to die. I, unlike others, don't want to die alone.

Cloud 9

2005-01-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

When you meet someone you like there are many different toys that play with your emotions. Does he/she like me? As a friend, or more? Will he kiss me? Does she want me to kiss her? What did he mean when he said "Hello"?

I have decided to characterize these feelings into categories. We will call them Clouds. Now, see if you can follow me.

Cloud 9 -- Meeting a person that you find attractive and knowing by some way that they feel the same way. (Either, they told you, you kissed, or someone told someone ,and that someone told someone to tell you). This is a great feeling. You are "on cloud 9". You are high as a kite. Everything is good, you know how they feel, they know how you feel, everything goes well. The sky is bright blue, and the air is clear.

Cloud 8 -- A few days departed from the initial attraction. You are still "in the clouds" but confident that things are great. You are now reflecting on the moments that have transpired in the past few days. You are happy. (If you are me, at this point, you share your story with your closest friends to get feedback and to gloat)

Cloud 7/6 -- You have reflected on the moments and you are done. Now you reflect on the reflection, and begin to analyze and gather intel about, we will begin to call it, incident. You are now below the clouds looking up at what you have just encountered.

Cloud 5 -- This is a crucial cloud. Reality begins to set in. The clouds seem more dense as you look at them from below. Questions about the incident begin to creep in your mind. Was it real? Did I imagine it? Does he/she really feel that way? What if I was making it up because of what happened.

Cloud 4/3 -- These clouds suck. They are cloudy, almost that stormy green that happens before a tornado. You can't recall what it felt like when everything was clear; the sky was blue. You are now beginning to be neurotic and wonder what the hell is going on!

Cloud 2 -- You have to begin convincing yourself at this time that you have to move on, that you can't keep thinking of the incident. It is just confusing and makes you sad and uncomfortable. You can't decipher what was real and what you have blown up in your mind.

Cloud 1 -- Also know as EARTH. You are back to ground level. Time to become optimistic and look forward to the next time you are on Cloud 9. Either with the same person or someone new.

Does a world exist where you can remain on Cloud 9 forever?

Comment about this please, I would like to hear what you have to say!!

Vacation Endings

2005-01-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of a vacation for the teacher! Today is the day that the teacher sits in their home, and wallows in the last day of freedom, the last day of that luxurious feeling that they don't have to work tomorrow, or the next day. It is a day of pure relaxation and sleepiness, but also a day filled with reality and somberness.

This is what my day has been like. I am ready to go back to work. There is no question that I have had enough of the sitting on my ass, doing NOTHING. But at the same time, I am reminded of the wake-up call at 6am, the sometimes slow moving day, and the overwhelming enjoyment for TGIF.

New Years resolutions:

Lose weight
Stop Smoking
Get out of my apartment and meet people
Stop being cliche
Stop thinking that I can only change myself on one day of the year

Nothing to Say

2004-12-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

Today was a day like any other when I am on break. I wake up very late, and sit around my house watching TV, smoking cigarettes and checking my email and IM. It was normal except today I wanted to talk to so many people but did get the feeling that they wanted to talk to me.

My best friend is going through a depression right now, she has no job, and doesn't feel like doing much. This saddens me. I just want to fix it for her and I know that I can't. I know that I just have to be the supportive friend and just listen to her, but I watch myself push her to send out resumes, call people, get out of her apartment for once. I think at times that I just make it worse. I just want her to begin a new chapter in her life but for some reason she is afraid.

I was afraid once to. I had just quit a HORRIBLE job that I had taken 2 years to get up enough courage to quit. I had no job and I was extremely depressed. People kept telling me to look for a job; to move on with my life by doing something, and I just resented them more and more, because i was so at the bottom nothing could pick me up. So I stayed there for a while. Then I began looking for jobs, and found a pretty good one. And now I love my work. The other areas of my life still have something to be desired, but some things DID get better.

And that is what I want for her, some things to get better. I think she feels stuck. She feels like there is nothing that she wants to do with her life. That hurts me. She is a college graduate, smarter than most, and will be successful in whatever she chooses to do. She just needs to make that step.

Many people keep telling me that I have to let her hit bottom and then things will change. I guess my fear is that she will hit bottom and things will just get worse for her. I have a desire not to let that happen cause I am really afraid it will.

I miss her having a desire to get out of her apartment. I miss her.

Gaydar

2004-12-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

I have discovered in my life time, that I have the WORST Gay-dar known to man (and woman).

It began when I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 and 1/2 years was gay. It wasn't like I didn't suspect it all the time we were going out, in fact, it was my rose-colored glasses of LOVE made the denial last so long. I was hurt, and now completely screwed up.

I have a new rule in my life, gay until proven straight. I have many gay friends, and they have tried to teach me time and time again how to use my gay-dar, but I repeatily mistake the gay ones for the straight ones. My silly sense of stereotyping is severely with fault, and my inevitable fall for that man that is gay is, well, inevitable.

So I sit on my porch, SAGing and typing wondering if I will ever be able to trust fully the straightness of anyone again. Thanks for that Adam.

Slow Saturdays

2004-12-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

Saturdays for me are days that I hate to love. On one hand I get sleep in, and watch TV all day, but on the other hand I often feel unproductive. It is easy for me to convince myself that I can put off all I have to do until Sunday, but then I secretly wish that I did get out of the house on Saturday.

Today I woke up as stated above at 12:30pm. I moved from my couch, where I had fallen asleep last night, to...my couch...and turned on the television and remained there all day, ALL DAY. Sure, I made a few phonecalls, checked my email, ate some food and took my dog out, but everytime I completed my task, I returned to the couch and watched some more Television.

I am what you might call a TV junkie. Television has always been a way to escape my life. Not that i am saying that my life is bad, because it is not, at all, but it is nice for me to jump out of my own life and into some character's life for a while. Take a break, if you will.

So today, after a long day of bad Christmas movies, and the Travel Channel, I decided that I needed something else. A friend of mine has a weblog, www.bluishorange.com , so I decided to give it a try.

Welcome to my first ever post on my weblog, I hope you enjoy!